It doesn’t get any easier later, it just gets later


War is cruelty, and you cannot refine it. Every attempt to make war easy and safe will result in humiliation and defeat. If the people raise a great howl against my barbarity and cruelty, I will answer that war is war. It is not popularity-seeking. War is, at best, barbarism. War is the remedy our enemies have chosen, and I say let us give them all they want. There is many a young man here today who thinks that war is all glamour and glory; but let me tell you, boys, it is all Hell!”

– General William T.Sherman.

“There are no spectator seats in an ambush.” It is the only way I could psychologically justify many of my actions during war.


To look back at our lives and try or discover why certain things happened can be what I call an enhancer. It expands my references and may explain some of my actions that have made me what I am today.

1 out of 4 returning veterans with PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder will commit suicide. 1 out of 4, freaking astonishing!!!.

I personally preferred for awhile what I call “suicide on the installment plan”. This is where one drinks massive quantities of alcohol and prodigious amount of pills until you shoot yourself or just die. Well I couldn’t bring my self to shoot myself (i enjoyed the pain too much) I was in Latin America and my friend finds me in my hooch with and empty bottle of brandy and pills and says “do you think you need some help” I thought “no I’m killing myself just fine thank you”.

Like a wounded animal I had crawled off to die by myself. Someone had found me, not my plan This was in the late 90’s so back to the hospital I go for the umpteenth time. It was a nice four walled place in Panama City, Panama.

I had seen death in Africa years before and it haunted me. Ahh but my ego would not permit me to deal with it in “positive constructive matter”.

I had friends who ended it in their own way. Hell, I hand nothing I thought at the time to live for. A paternity suit, the IRS, I’d look in the mirror and after all the “pats on the back”, all I saw was the angel of darkness and me running. I was flat broke.

I was drinking brandy because it was dirt cheap where I was at. God awful nasty but it did its job. I ate when my body made me. Once again I thought, “you chickenshit, you can’t even kill yourself right”.

This began my journey into self awareness. I searched for meaning in my life. It was like when the astronaut “Buzz” Aldrin came back from walking on the moon. He felt like “how do I top that”. “Buzz” crawled into depression and a bottle for many years. Hell, Neil Armstrong refused to talk to any media for over 2 decades. I never walked on the moon though I lived through things that some could not even imagine living through. I was addicted to it and I loved every minute when “the shit was hitting the fan and I was in the middle of it. Then I knew peace, an eerie peace, the senses, and the awareness.

The awareness THAT was what I was looking for.

The awareness was never found in a bottle of booze or pills. I only discovered it in Iraq after bull@itting my way back to a Department of Defense job. I had to see the beast (war) that fed me for so long again.

What I was doing to that point was not working. In 7 years I had 23 jobs. This was from 1998-2003. I was flat ass broke, on the verge of losing everything including my wife We later divorced). I had to get that job with the DOD (they knew I was crazy so I got it). Next thing after 2 tours I’m out of my mind and found drunk in the back of a Iraqi bus. My boss, (who I thought was a prick). Says to me. (After he gave me a rash of shit). You’re done aren’t you? I said yes I’m done. That was it he helped me out of the bus. They got me out of country quickly, Funny just like 10 years before in Mogadishu. This time I’m on a C-5 just like 10 years ago. Wow what a coincidence I think. I had gotten pretty good at lying to doctors so in Kuwait I lied again and they bought it. If not, it was a one way ticket to Landstuhl Hospital in Germany in the psyche ward.

I had finally gotten to a point of enough leverage (pain) that It became a “must” to find solutions if not only for myself but for others who may have these same issues. This is how my first book “PTSD: Pathways Through the Secret Door” came about.

The secret door is our mind. It is not what happens to us, it is what happens within us that matters. It is unlocking and opening doors within our subconscious mind and tapping into our full potential as human beings. Learning that Living is Giving and our mission on this earth is not complete, well until it is complete

PTSD: Pathways Through the Secret Door

Paperback: 88 pages

Publisher: Lulu (July 27, 2007)

Language: English

ISBN-10: 1430313196

ISBN-13: 978-1430313199

My purpose is to express my enthusiastic inspiration by living in the now.

Acting my way into right thinking by assisting others

It doesn’t get any easier later, it just gets later


The 10 Warning Signs of Suicide

In a time when suicide has become a culture in society, it is important to be able to recognize the warning signs. Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in people aged 15 – 24 with young males four times more likely to succeed due to the lethal ways in which they choose to kill themselves.
1. Previous suicide attempts:
Previous suicide attempts are the biggest risk factor of a person successfully completing suicide. The more attempts the person makes, the more likely that he or she will eventually die by suicide. Often people say that people who attempt suicide are only looking for attention. This may be true but it is also true to say that the person is obviously in a state of pain and needs help and understanding. The reality is that suicidal behaviour is usually a last resort when the person feels that all else has failed. Normally, they are trying to resolve their inner pain rather than trying to manipulate those around them.
2. Recent suicide of a friend or relative:
Sometimes, when a close friend or relative dies by suicide, others adopt a copy-cat attitude and follow the deceased person’s lead. It is not uncommon for suicide of a friend or relative to trigger attempts by friends or others.
3. Threats of suicide:
Many believe that people who talk about suicide won’t actually do it. The reality is that, in the majority of cases, people have spoken of their intent before killing themselves. Often it may have been a single statement such as “Life’s not worth living” or “I wish I were dead.” Sometimes the person is preoccupied with death through a genre like music, art, or poetry.
Talking about suicide or exhibiting unusual interest in death through other themes generally means that the person is considering suicide as an option and that they really need and want some help.
4. Depression:
A lot of people use the word ‘depression’ to describe feelings of sadness and loss. These feelings often pass within a few hours or a few days. During this time, people are able to carry on much as usual. However, if you feel sad much more intensely and for longer and your feelings start to interfere with your work, social life and family life, you may need to seek professional advice. There are a number of symptoms of depression and it’s very rare for all symptoms to occur in one person all at once. You might feel it come on slowly, from sometimes feeling blue to deeper feelings more often. It is hard to accept that symptoms like sleeping badly or feeling worthless are depression. After all, don’t we all feel that way sometimes?
That’s the key – sometimes. It’s not normal to feel that way for a long time. For some people, the feelings of hopelessness and despair that accompany depression are more than they are equipped to cope with and, as a result of this lack of coping skills, some take the option of suicide.
5. Changes in personality or behaviour:
There may be changes in the person’s behaviour including withdrawal, loss of interest in personal care and appearance, angry outbursts, and absenteeism from work or school. Their performance at work or school will often decline as well.
6. Increased use of drugs and/or alcohol:
People who have difficulty in coping with problems will sometimes turn to substances such as alcohol or illicit and prescription drugs for relief. Abuse of these substances tends to lower inhibitions leading to an increase in risk-taking behaviour. Drug and alcohol abuse is often linked to suicide.
7. Behavioural disturbances:
Behavioural disturbances such as anger, aggression, stealing, impulsive behaviours, isolation, and drug and alcohol abuse can be a sign of increased suicide risk. Sometimes, people who are particularly vulnerable may act out their feelings in a potentially destructive manner.
8. Psychiatric illness:
In some illnesses such as schizophrenia, it is not uncommon to hear voices. This can be a contributing factor in suicide if these voices are telling the person to take their own life even if that person does not want to die.
9. Preparation for death:
Preparation for death often includes such things as making a will, saying goodbye to people, apologising for past misdemeanours, and giving away their possessions, particularly their favourite things. They may also acquire the means to kill themselves such as a gun, rope, or pills.
10. A sudden lift in spirits:
If a person has a sudden lift in spirits, particularly after depression, it is often a significant factor. It can mean that the person is relieved because he or she has made a definite decision to take his or her life and that the problems and their resultant unhappiness will soon be ended. They will often have more energy at this point to end their life.
Although not everyone displays these warning behaviours, a large percentage of people do display some of them. Encouraging the person to talk about their feelings, including their intended suicide, can be just what they need. No matter how uncomfortable you feel about the subject, it is important not to judge. A listening ear can make all the difference.
Copyright 2014 Anne Wolski

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