Suddenly you’re single after years of marriage. This always
results in a serious blow to the old ego of at least one of the
persons involved. It’s a traumatic experience – a time that’s
very difficult to live through – and a feeling that isn’t easy
to recover from – yet life does and must go on.
When divorce occurs, and you feel as though your life has been
shattered, the first thing you should do is start leading the
life of a single person immediately! You should force yourself
to make a date at least once a week. Start noticing other
people, join in the activities of the singles crowd, and get
back into the swing of things.
Indeed, the sooner you start dating, even if it’s only dinner
with someone you work with, sooner the pain will subside.
Basically, you should just out and not concern yourself with the
“yes or no” possibilities of a sexual encounter.
It’s most important however that you don’t expect too much of
yourself too soon. Generally it takes about two years for the
victim of a divorce to get over the hurt and for most of the
scars to heal. Anyone thinking or believing they’re ready for
any kind of permanent relationship in less time, is probably
living in a world of make believe and heading for a repeat of
Numerous “brief” sexual encounters are the usual pattern of
recently divorced persons. The are usually quite useful in
rebuilding one’s self-esteem. By the same token, extended
periods of celibacy usually follow a couple of weeks or a month
of feverish sexual activity. These times are also normal and
useful in the overall healing process.
Often-times older persons suddenly find that achievement makes
them attractive to the opposite sex. Prestige and age are
attractive, but in divorced persons, they are very often an
aphrodisiac. The bottom line is simply that younger people often
have “affairs” with those older than themselves, but usually,
they want “permanent partners” closer to their own age. In
otherwords, prestige and age will get you sex, but it will very
seldom bring you love.
As a newly divorced person, you’ll probably experience several
“transitional relationships.” These are also a necessary part of
your healing process, and though you may think you care a great
deal about them at the time, it’s best that you remember these
are only temporary encounters with transitional partners. You
needn’t feel guilty about breaking off one of these
relationships because you may very well be someone’s
transitional partner later on in your life.
Your best opportunities for meeting new friends and possible
marriage partners are within the normal course of business and
social events. It’s also generally within your best interests to
join in the activities of a local Singles Organization such as
Parents Without Partners or Singles International. Then too, you
should ask your friends and co-workers to introduce you to
people they know that you might enjoy.
With your dates, you should avoid talking about your ex-spouse.
If you feel you have to talk about your divorce, pick a special
friend or attend some of the organized “rap sessions” for
divorced persons in your area.
You should also avoid introducing your dates or new friends too
quickly to your children. Such introductions too quickly can
have innumerable adverse effects on everyone concerned.
You’l1 find that sexual freedom and less formal lifestyles have
definitely changed the etiquette of dating over the last few
decades. As an example, a man should not be surprised if after
asking a woman out a few times, she asks him out. And a woman
should not be hesitant to ask a man out for a backyard barbeque
or even to a movie she’d like to see. Men should also realize
that women make up their minds about sex more quickly these days
than in years past. A woman of today generally isn’t thought of
as being a loose woman if she decides to sleep with a man on the
Much of the romance and magic of the traditional courtship game
still works. Soft music, candlelight, and good food are still
very much in vogue. Even the grand gesture of an evening on the
town in style or a spur of the moment trip to the beach or to a
hideaway in the mountains.
Regardless of the pain, the bitterness, or exasperation, it’s
essential that you remember your children and continue to be a
good parent. In fact, you should do all within your means to be
a better parent than you may have been before the separation.
This is because regardless of how they seem to be taking it, or
what they do or don’t show, divorce is more often than not
harder on the children than on the parents. They usually become
much more curious about your day-to-day routine, who you’re
seeing and your happiness.
Just remember, time and people will cure all your ills, and you
will be happy again!
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